Do you ever just think...

I love my kids so much, but I need a break so badly, I’ll try to organise one today, but not for too long because I’ll miss them, and I’m so tired, I’ve never been this tired, I wish my children would sleep through, and self-settle, but then I don’t want to miss out on being all they need, time is going so fast, wow, was that photo really taken that long ago

It feels like I spent so much time in the kitchen today, yet I hardly ate a thing.

I made snacks. Cleaned up the snacks. Then prepared different kinds of snacks because they didn’t like the ones I made earlier.

The nights can feel lonely

As you sit in the dark

With your little one on you

Resting on your heart

They say you’re a “mummy’s boy”.

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You look for me everywhere.

You cry when I turn my back to you.

You beg me to hold you.

You have your healthy baby in your arms,
Finally.
You breathe out all of that relief.
All that tired.
All those nine months of hard.

Dear Motherhood,

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Answer me this.

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Why do you have to go so fast? I feel like I’m just catching my breath, and I’ve missed so much when I’ve been in the depths of beauty. It seems so cruel. Are you aware?

Mama,

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You may not see it, but I do.

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I see your effort. You dance around me every minute of every day. You stop what you have just started to get me to the end of what I think I need. And you don’t stop until long after my eyes are closed, for however long, each night.

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I respect mothers so much more now that I am one.

I know how much work goes in.

I’m living it, breathing it, right there in the thick it with those who have gone before me, and those walking right beside me.

I understand, at a deep level, what it is to be called “Mama”, “Mommy”, “Mom”.

And when I see mothers going about their everyday, I’m reminded.

There will come a time when this looks different.

I’m not entirely sure how that different will look, but I know it will be a shift that catches me off-guard.

First you were one

That start year for us

The birth, postpartum

Taking time to adjust

Sleep.

Or rather, lack thereof.

This remains a large part of our parenting narrative.

And I know this isn’t uncommon.

This is for the toddler mothers.

Those stuck in storms, forever trying to steer the ship into calmer waters.

It can be rough here. Emotions crash into you and tears flow heavy.

You can move in circles for days, and it can feel like you are getting nowhere.

But being here is moving them closer to where they need to be.

There’s always such interest in a pregnant woman.
Her body is home to a life who breeds such excitement and anticipation.
She’s often asked how far along she is, how she’s feeling, when her due date is, whether she’s finding out the gender, where she will birth, the intricate details of her birth plan, the size of her baby last week, whether she’s decided on names, and more.

It won’t always be like this.

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I remind myself of this often.

To help me see through the hard days, but to also pull me into the now.

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